Posts Tagged 'difficulties'

Good Habit, Bad Habit

I don’t remember when it started, but today it stopped.  I had been doing so well, I was in such a good habit, then one day, one morning, I tore it all down.

When I was very young I observed that good habits and bad habits have inverse properties.  A good habit is hard to form and easy to break, and a bad habit is easy to form and hard to break.  Basically, anything good and worth doing is difficult and takes time.  Anything bad and not worth doing happens quickly and easily and is hard to get rid of.  This principle applies to so much more than just habits.

Several months ago I started getting up early every morning to write when I didn’t have to go to work early.  I also set up a schedule with an hour of writing time Tuesday and Thursday evenings.  For a month or two (I don’t keep track of time well) I followed the schedule perfectly, never making even one allowance.  Then, one morning after an especially difficult night with the baby, I decided to give myself another hour of sleep.  I slept in the next morning, with no justification.  A day or two later I managed to get up to write, but I was too groggy to write anything worth reading, so I did other writing related activities (which I allow for) and went back to bed when I was finished.  Since that Saturday morning I completely stopped getting up early to write.

In the mean time I completely stopped writing in the evenings as well.  My creativity suffered, despite a few good ideas that came from time to time.  Even now, having gotten up early, my ideas are jumbled and my thoughts are muddled.  It’s going to take time to get back into the habit, but it is so important for me to write!

While I have been neglecting my writing time over the last few weeks, I have noticed a considerable degree of edginess and frustration brewing in my demeanor.  These are normal elements of my character that I consciously battle on a day to day basis, but I begin losing the battle when I give in to my lazy tendencies or fail to give myself appropriate creative outlets and stimulation.

Now I’ve got a couple of extra days off for the holiday making this a four day weekend.  It’s even harder to get up on a day off from work, but I’m resolved to make this the beginning of a good habit again.  No more sleeping in.  I may have to give myself a free day once or twice a month, but I’ll come up with an accountability system to prevent those free days from putting an end to a good habit.

Oh, and tonight, I’m taking my writing hour.

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The Pursuit of Something

Driving home I make all the same movements, every time, every day. The car bumps here, there’s a turn there. Take the long curvy turn on the inside, near the lines. I miss the bumps that way. That house has three motorcycles in front, this one has a DeLorean. Golf course greens on the right, more houses on the left. Watch out here for cars that slow to a near stop before turning. Almost there…

Sometimes, though, my mind is doing something else. It’s searching. Reaching for something that rests just out of reach. Barely beyond grasp, something is waiting for me. I just can’t get my mind around it.

Today, rounding a familiar bend, looking out my side window at some familiar houses, I spotted something unfamiliar. No, not with my eyes, but in my mind. It was there for a moment, then gone.

Gone? What was it? Will it ever be back?

Gone. Where did it go? I had it. Now I don’t.

Did I need it?

Sure feels like it. Then again, I have been known to pursue even that which I don’t need from time to time. Knowledge, though, is power. These elusive thoughts, these evasive ideas could help me form new connections and relations in my logic, opening my brain up to new, radical and exciting abilities. Every new connection I form in my mind equates to hundreds of new answers to the thousands of questions that came following my last discovery.

Imagine, I almost had it.

I’ve always been looking for it though, so I doubt it’s simply going to fall into my lap on the way home from errands.

It would provide a key to unlock some of the darkest secrets the world of logic has been able to keep from me. Secrets so profound and tightly sealed that they are indescribable, their keystrokes are missing from the keyboard.

If I could only have grabbed it while it was there, on the way home.

It’s not the only one though, the one that I saw today. I have seen many of them, and while I cannot describe any of them, I know that there are many. Not too many though. There are enough.

Enough for what?

It’s almost there… I can almost make it out.

Sitting in bed, another day, staring at the wall. What am I thinking about? How did I get here, to these thoughts? There’s one! There’s one of those mysterious ideas, the ones I never get enough time with to comprehend them. I can see it. I begin to understand, then it vanishes. Did it dissipate or instantaneously vaporize? I’m not sure. It’s gone.

Again.

What will it lead to? What would it mean to fully understand just one? Would it be enough? Would I be able to follow the logic into new, exciting areas of thought I have never explored?

How do I make it click? How can I make one of these slippery ideas stick around long enough to understand it and learn from it?

Where do they come from?

Why can’t I get one? Just one…

Someday, perhaps.

I hope.


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