My Big Breakup

Please briefly explain in the form below why you’re cancelling.” Which is another way of saying, “Well, can you at least tell me why we’re breaking up?” in website speak.

The whole thing started several weeks ago, though it was seeded from the very beginning of my life. I provided the fertile soil, and life rained down on it, so it grew.

The fertile soil is my social awkwardness. If you read my about page, I mention that I am aware of a possible diagnosis I could one day claim (were it necessary) through proper examination by a psychiatric professional. One symptom of the “syndrome” I possibly live with is an acutely awkward social life (which is caused by a variety of factors). Through observation, logical analysis and years of practice, I feel that my social life no longer exhibits all of the symptoms I once struggled with as a child and teenager, though I maintain certain traits that speak out against me, even if only in private.

One such trait is my aversion to social encounters. That’s right, I’m not comfortable around people. If you hadn’t noticed it’s because I’m that good at hiding it, but the truth is I get unusually uncomfortable in the presence of people, especially in face-to-face interactions.

Many of those who share my symptoms and have been labeled with the diagnosis take refuge from the real, face-to-face world by spending more time on the Internet. They are especially susceptible to becoming addicted to online multi-player games and social networking activities because such things appear to offer the same benefits of a real social encounter without the “hassles” of having to be there. I’m sure you can see where this is headed, so I’ll break for a moment to tell a short story.

Today, on the way home from work, our little three-month-old daughter screamed and cried most of the way. We’ve been working on our five-year-old son’s behavior a lot lately, and he finally seemed to be getting it, though the frustration I was experiencing from the persistent crying seemed to drown out my attempts at praising my son. We walked into the house through our kitchen door (the one closest to the car port) and I found brown paper bags, some still full of groceries, scattered all over the place. The counters were stacked with rinsed dishes, food items and trash that hadn’t been taken care of (some of it for over a week). My job keeps me away from home during the day, and I understand that staying home all day with the two children has my wife pretty well busy all day just trying to keep up with things. I don’t expect, and have never demanded her to create order or even maintain perfect cleanliness in the home. As the children age this job will get easier, and I try to help her as much as I can.

I must say though, that today it seemed especially discouraging. I was already frustrated in my mind from the constant screaming, then I walked into chaos. Never fear, I do this often and handle things fairly well most of the time. Some of the time, however, I go through emotional peaks and valleys that have an effect on my ability to handle things. I try to muscle my way through the troughs and ride the waves when things are up, but in the end those little chemical imbalances can get the best of me from time to time. I resolved right there, in the kitchen, that as soon as our daughter was safely suckling away on her mother, I would attack the kitchen and restore order.

I rushed through the chaos in the kitchen, through the hall toward the bedrooms and finally into our bedroom at the end of the hall. There, I was greeted with the usual mess. I wholeheartedly admit that somewhere around half of that mess is mine, and I am guilty of doing little or nothing to fix it in the last several months. I had already resolved to fix one mess, and there was no room inside me to fix another the same evening. Mother came and rescued the baby and I began my mission.

I attacked the kitchen. Trash, recycling, dishes, counter tops, floor (my wife had to hand the baby off to me, but I made sure she helped finish the job) and soon everything was nearly sparkling, in that one room, of course. Then, I sent my wife out on some errands, dutifully taking the little princess (who was tired and hungry, but would have to deal with her mom being gone for twenty minutes nonetheless). We had a good time (kind of) until she fell asleep (always makes for a lame date).

Then, dinner time hit. Sometimes dinner goes pretty well. Tonight, it was already an hour past our son’s bedtime, and he wanted to take seven bites out of every French fry, and watch his chicken nuggets to see if they would grow mold. I usually have to tell him to slow down, but tonight I wanted to get on with the bedtime routine, and he was waiting for Christmas. My wife didn’t share my sense of urgency (I don’t expect her to think the same way I do, I think very differently from just about everyone else, but I’m still fairly reasonable) and was disagreeing with me, which made me look frustrated and stubborn (which I was slowly becoming). Finally, I got up from the table, leaving them to work things out, and figured I could whisk myself away to a magical place called the Internet to escape from my real-world woes.

I began loading the pages, one by one, like I usually do from my bookmarks tool bar in Firefox. My homepage (iGoogle, of course!), Gmail, Mail.com, some work related sites, WordPress.com, Shelfari.com, Facebook, MySpace, VIRB, deviantART, and Google Reader. While they were loading I looked at all of the tabs. I check all of these every day? I thought. I began to assess, in my mind, approximations of how much time I spent doing each one. I looked back and recalled many a late night spent on my beloved Facebook site, with all 100+ friends, the fun games and applications, the many social exchanges every day…

Then I thought, Do I need all of that? I thought of my many real social exchanges at work, at home, at church, etc. Then I remembered that sometimes I get overwhelmed in real life with social activity. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that I end up having to say no to something (or several things). Sometimes, when you have too much on your plate and you can’t handle it all, you have to say no to something(s) and stick with what you love the most.

Obviously, my family will always come first for me. That goes without saying. Beyond that, in the social realm, things get a little fuzzy for me. Tonight, with all of the frustrations around me, I realized that my real-world plate was getting full and messy, and part of that was because my virtual plate was overflowing.

I don’t need that much social interaction to be healthy. I have my best friend, my wife, by my side all the time, except when I’m at work (which I wish I didn’t have to do because then I could be with her all of the time, and that would make me happy). Then I have two of the best parents who ever lived to support and love me, I have some great brothers and a top-notch sister who e-mail, text message and call me from time to time. I have many other friends who are available for the occasional chat, phone call or visit when I am in need as well. If that’s not enough social interaction to keep me healthy, I always have my creative outlets.

I love to write. I always have, but I haven’t always given it the priority I would have liked to have. Now, in recent times I have decided to write more and practice to get better. Since I resolved to do this, I have accomplished much less than what I know I am capable of. Why? Because most of my time on the computer has been lost reading updates, news, Facebook profiles, etc.

So, with the tension building between me and my wife because my virtual plate was starting to fill my real-world plate, I deleted my Facebook account.

That’s right. It’s gone. They mention that if I ever want to come back all I have to do is use my old log in information, but I don’t currently foresee myself doing that in the near future. Perhaps some day, but not now. Then, I remembered how much cooler Facebook is than MySpace (sorry MySpace lovers, I just never really liked it that much), so I though, hey, if I’m deleting my Facebook account, I can’t leave the MySpace one up, even if I never use it. So, I went and deleted that one too (though they want 48 hours to actually remove my account).

This might seem rash to many of you, but if you consider me and who I am, you should realize that it was a necessary step to ensure that I don’t get sucked in to something less important than the people I love. Plus, now I hope that finding time to write might become slightly easier. Any time I was previously putting into Facebook can now be invested in writing.

So, that brings me back to the beginning. It was actually MySpace that was asking why I was leaving them (Facebook wanted a reason too, but it was just a radio-button selection – “I’m spending too much time on Facebook” or something like that). Now you know the whole story, but do you want to know what I told them? “Downsizing Internet activities.” Pretty cold, huh?

So here’s the plan. I’ve officially committed Facebook “hari-kiri” and there’s no going back (not for the next year or so, at least). I’m going to use my Gmail address to send out a request for all of my friends and family to read this (that’s where I have the most addresses). If you know me, please follow the instructions below:

1. Please “check in” and leave a comment on this posting for me. I want to know who came and read this. When you enter your e-mail address to comment, make sure it is the e-mail address you actually check!

2. If I was listed as your friend on MySpace or Facebook, please write a bulletin, note or anything else asking all of my other friends whose e-mail addresses I didn’t have to visit this same posting (send them the same link I sent you). Post it as something interesting like, “Why Brian disappeared.”

3. Do something out of the ordinary to ensure we can stay in touch! Facebook and MySpace are both fabulous tools for keeping in touch with old, current and new friends, and I am a little worried that I may lose touch with some friends I love who prefer to use these sites as their sole point of contact for friendships. Below you will find a list of options I am retaining so we can keep in touch. Pick one, and keep in touch with me that way!


Here are some ways to keep in touch with me.

  • There’s always the obvious – email. If you need my Gmail address, just ask for it in your comment below.
  • If you don’t have my phone number, but are good at keeping in touch that way, ask for my cell phone number. The same goes for a physical address if you like stamps and mail.
  • I am keeping accounts at a few smaller social networking sites. If you already have an account at any of them, find me there (if you need help with this, just ask!). If you don’t have an account there, look at each of them and set up an account at the one you like best.
    • www.virb.com – Kind of like MySpace, but not. You don’t need an account to check out my profile. Click the link!
    • www.orkut.com – This is the one I check the least often, but if you sign up there I’ll know about it and I will definitely keep up with you that way.
    • www.deviantart.com – This one is not as much for social networking as it is for artwork. If you’re an artist and you’re my friend, add me on here and I’ll add you too.
    • www.shelfari.com – This is for book lovers. You can add all the books you own, you’ve read and you want, and it shares your virtual “shelf” with your friends.
  • Since I’ll be writing a lot (hopefully), perhaps the best way to keep in touch with me (and keep up to date) is through this… *gulp* blog. (I really don’t like calling it a blog.) You can subscribe to my RSS feed through any feed reader (I use Google Reader and love it).
  • Finally, I have a Google page (website) that is currently under construction. Right now, it just links back to my WordPress stuff. Oh, and you can play PacMan there too. 😉

If you can’t use any of the options above to keep in touch with me for long term, I’ll be sad. Despite not really enjoying social encounters, I really do love all of my friends and family. I cannot stress to you enough how much I will miss hearing from you (especially the former Facebook and MySpace friends who are reading this). I just spent too much time doing worthless things on Facebook, and not enough time paying attention to the real world. In fact, if you want to get together sometime, let’s try to make it happen. It might take time (especially if you’re far away), but I would love to spend some real-world time with all of you.

So, I leave you all with my love.

Brian

P.S. On a quick, lighter note, I found this really funny little gem of a video about Facebook thanks to Digg. If you know anything at all about Facebook, you must watch this video!

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17 Responses to “My Big Breakup”


  1. 1 Carol May 8, 2008 at 4:48 am

    Congratulations on your breakup. I find your attempt at wrestling with the real world enlightening. I’m sorry life is so hard on you & Rochelle at this time. (it will get better) I have found in my short (no pun intended) life that some things in life don’t matter as much as the here & now. Dust, paper etc will be there even if you pick it up everyday. Set a priority and go with it…you have set a priority & it isn’t Facebook or My Space. I’m glad to get this mail, I read it thoroughly at 6:40 AM. I love you & Rochelle & wish I could do something to help. Have a wonderful week. Love me

  2. 2 Amie Jacobsen May 8, 2008 at 6:16 am

    Brian,

    I’m not on facebook, so no problem there. But I have read your comments, and I think one thing. You are right… you have some talent in writing. I could see this as a magazine article (with some slight adjustments) on “spending to much time on the internet”. I think you should adjust your writings to a wide audience and try submitting it to some magazines. Maybe put a funny twist on it or something. But you are certainly not the only one with this kind of struggle!

  3. 3 Andrea H May 8, 2008 at 7:36 am

    Hey, man, good on ya for making this decision. I can understand very well how wrenching it can be to give something like this up. In my later homeschool years I had ICQ as my only means of contact with the outside world (besides church, but that was painful at the time). Giving that up was awful. I sure do like your wife and I’m so happy that she’s so important to you. Good luck. 🙂

  4. 4 Rochelle May 8, 2008 at 8:05 am

    I love you. Thank you for breaking up with these guys.

  5. 5 Grandma H May 8, 2008 at 2:40 pm

    Good for you for recognizing the paralyzing grip those sites can have. I love you and send warm wishes to you and the family.

  6. 6 Keturah May 8, 2008 at 10:21 pm

    I understand that these websites are addicting, but I am not necessarily sure you had to delete them. Even if you checked them every other month you would be able to interact with people who do use these sites for contact with their friends. It is all about time management, and I believe you did a great thing since it was causing conflicts in your life. Good luck with your wife and kids:) Take care

  7. 7 TeElle Barnes May 8, 2008 at 10:42 pm

    Awesome. Felicitaciones en escoger las cosas mas importantes, las cosas eternas.

  8. 8 Shauna May 9, 2008 at 7:03 pm

    Hey!! HAHA!! I loved your little anecdote to explain why you broke up with the virtual world!! 🙂 And I loved that video about FaceBook! It’s totally true! Anyway, it was good to hear from you! And you are an awesome story-teller, by the way! Anyway, I’ll let you go now since I’m sure that you will have a million other posts!

  9. 9 Josh Dyson May 11, 2008 at 4:05 pm

    Just give me your real live address or something. We could stay in touch that way…the way people used to stay connected before the Internet. E-mail it to me or something. Are you still going to do email or are you going to leave the net all together?

  10. 10 Tony May 11, 2008 at 9:06 pm

    Hey, I think it took a lot of courage to delete your accounts. I’m glad you put your focus back into your family! I miss all of you guys & wish the best for you! Give me a ring sometime, or email me your address. It would be fun to send some snail mail, don’t ya think?

  11. 11 Katie Anderson May 12, 2008 at 10:29 am

    Brian, That was great!!! I’m glad to see you’re using your talents for good finally and not for evil… Just kidding! I cancelled my accounts about 2 years ago and have never looked back. Would love to talk to you and Rochelle, hope your babies are good. Give me a call
    555-555-5555, email me me@somemail.com or mail me 12345 N. Street Ln. Somewhere XX 00000
    Love to hear from you, Kat

  12. 12 Jessica May 12, 2008 at 5:30 pm

    Hello Brian! Congratulations on your breakup! But…WHO AM I GOING TO POKE AT 3 AM WHEN I CAN’T SLEEP?!?!!? Facebook will never be the same without you. I should probably stop because I’m being an enabler. Have a good facebookless day!!!!

  13. 13 Jesse May 26, 2008 at 3:45 pm

    hey! i read it finally! but i really never check the e-mail that you sent it to. so if anything, send to the e-mail listed above! ^_^ thx

  14. 14 Elizabeth May 27, 2008 at 12:32 pm

    Hello, Friend!

    Wow, the little girl is already 3 months? You guys must have had her right before we had Jimmy! I’ll email you our blog so you can see pics!

    Brian, I’m proud of you for putting family first, no matter what. That is something you and Royal have in common.

  15. 15 Pascale August 20, 2008 at 9:13 pm

    Brian/Amin,

    I guess you are one of the best story tellers I’ve ever read! 🙂
    I am glad you are focusing on your life and family.
    Take care of yourself, and keep in touch!

    P.S.: I love the video you posted, but I also love my facebook account! Moderation is the key in this….it does not really get addictive, it’s a great way to keep in touch with friends and family that are overseas!

    Good luck in everything you do…
    Wishing you a lot of blessings!

    🙂


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