Yet Another Site

Or should that read, Yet Another Waste of My Time… I have yet to see.

This project is complicated, and I should just let it explain itself. Head over to the main page and start reading. Maybe you can help me out a little!

Thanks.

Robot

I’m feeling like a robot. Detached and distant from the world. I feel this way frequently, but it’s especially strong now. My emotional processor has shut down, I turned it off (just flipped the switch). It may have been malfunctioning, I shall have to investigate.

Why would I want to leave something on that’s hurting me, doing damage to the rest of my system? Shutting it off makes sense. Just before I flipped the switch it was stuck sputtering the same garbled output over and over: I need a hug. It sounded rediculous. I didn’t even manage to shut it off before it activated the tear ducts, so I’m still cleaning that mess up.

One wonders why I would ever turn the emotion processor back on. The problem is, with it on I am able to experience friendship and love and enjoy it rather than simply work through it. The unfortunate fact of the matter is, the only people I really do enjoy being around are also the only ones who ever drive me to flip the switch and shut the whole thing off.

So now I am a robot again. Cool, precise, emotion free. I have a mess to clean. Perhaps someone will soon inspire me to turn it back on. Perhaps not. Robots don’t need to speculate about the future. It’s all the same to a robot.

All About Me

Who am I? What am I doing? Where am I going?

Ah, the classic questions. It seems that everyone either has their own version of the answers or they openly acknowledge that they do not have the answers. If you put people into respective groups based on this assumption, there are those who know and those who do not.

I would generally consider myself to be in the group of those who know. I say this because if you ask me who you are, what you are doing and where you are going, I will have clear, true answers for you. As for me, the general truths I am familiar with (those I would share with you to answer those three questions) still apply so I am safe to say that I am one of those who knows.

But am I really? I know the answers to those questions, I understand them, I have personal convictions that run deeper than than a wishing well and testify to the truth of what I believe. I don’t have an issue with my beliefs. I have issues with me.

Here’s where it gets a little complicated. If you’re not willing to sit with me and explore some of the vastness that is my persona, my complex and my enigma, then I suggest you stop reading, leave a nice comment about what a silly person I am and go find something light to read (like The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank).

Where’s the problem?

Now that’s an interesting question. I would say that I am the problem, but in reality I know that either I created the problem or I was born with it, like one of those personal challenges we’re given to struggle with and try to overcome while on Earth (you know, like some people are blind, others only have one leg, and so forth).

Back to the question of where the problem is, I think it’s safely tucked away somewhere inside me. The most likely place inside me that you might find the problem is in my head. No, the problem is not in a sinus or a nostril, I’m pretty sure it’s in my brain, my mind, my head.

What is the problem?

Well, I stated it simply above saying that I have issues with myself. What are a few of those issues?

Would you like a bullet list, a numbered list or some stories to illustrate? First, I’ll just start listing a few off in paragraph form and see where that leads me.

I annoy people, and I especially annoy myself. I annoy myself the most when I am annoying someone else, and horribly so when I am annoying someone I care about. In fact, there is an inverse relationship between how much I care about a person and how normal I can be around that person. For example, people who I don’t really care about may never realize that I have issues. On the other hand, people I hold dear and close probably wonder occasionally if I might benefit from a little professional help.

The source of this problem eats at me. It eats at me because I haven’t been able to find it as of yet. Perhaps this frivolous inquiry and these superfluous thoughts on digital paper can help me in my quest to eradicate the issue. (How do you pronounce that word, by the way? SuPERfluous? Or SUperFLuous? I once preferred to pronounce suPERlative as SUperLAtive because I thought it sounded better. It does have the word “super” in it, so logic dictates that the prefix should not get swallowed up in the pronunciation of the whole word, but should retain its identity through clear pronunciation of each part as they were before being joined together. Whichever rule is followed, I think it would be nice if we could just follow the same rule for any word containing the prefix “super” and avoid any confusing pronunciations due to inconsistencies.)

(Oh, and I prefer to throw any idiotic irregularities in our language to the French. It’s a nasty language where words have twelve or more letters and only one or two syllables.)

Let’s take a look at my class environment, for example. At first I didn’t care about anyone there, and I was largely successful at remaining transparent and unnoticeable – not annoying. Now, though, I have made a friend in class (that’s right, only one) and I seem to be on her nerves about a third of the time (I was going to say half, but I don’t think I can take credit for all of that).

(Plus, she’s not actually annoyed at me half the time, most of that time I just think she is.)

What’s worse, is that other people in class seem to get annoyed at me too.

Please don’t think me to be a simpleton. Many people make that mistake. I am aware of far more possibilities for explaining these behaviors than I am willing to write out, and some of them you would probably never even consider. You know why? Because I do social things the same way computers play chess. Basically, I take a look at where I am (the whole situation), calculate every possible reason for why things might be that way, how they may have gotten there and where they could possibly go next; and I do a very robotic, detached and mathematical evaluation of the situation based on my data. It’s like I’m not even entirely human (but I’m not the only one).

An example of just one of my thoughts about the classroom situation (outlined above) follows:
Perhaps the situation is entirely a product of my own perception. I could be creating something out of nothing just because I am beginning to take emotional stock in the situation. (Details and variations of the same idea omitted for brevity’s sake.)

I share this one because that is the answer my logical mind has selected as the one I am most likely to hear (or any number of variations on it, which I also have automatically iterated in my mind) from someone trying to give advice and insight into the situation. Each possible interpretation of a situation has detailed information attached to it along with every variation or mutation, and all of that is thoroughly cross-referenced and cataloged with everything else I know and have observed in life. The relationships between bits of information in my brain form spontaneously and painstakingly and comprise an elaborate, multidimensional network.

Making sense of social, emotional or even logical events in my life requires a maddening amount of mental effort. I literally exhaust myself physically performing these calculations all of the time. I am a very skinny person, yet I eat more than (or at least on par with) the average guy my age. Doctors have told me I must have a high metabolism, but I tend to think my brain burns all of the calories I consume just to get through the day.

Because of the physical nature of my mental activity, I prefer routine and regularity to help keep a steady pace. Abnormalities and irregular events tend to disrupt me more drastically than I wish they would, especially when I am under any stress that may be preventing my mind from adapting to the change.

I do not like that I am a low energy, bland person either. Some people may perceive me as less than bland, but they are not around me as often as I am. I bore myself, sometimes even to tears. I get excited about things, but not the same way most people do. I get happy about things, but I do not show happiness in a way that allows others to see how happy I am. Granted, the way I show happiness about one thing may differ greatly from the way I show happiness for something else. That doesn’t mean that I am more or less happy about one thing than the other thing. It just means that I express my feelings differently for different things.

I complain about this because people I perceive to be “normal” (as in, people who share traits and tendencies with others around them in a manner that leads me to view their type as the majority and those whose traits and mannerisms differ greatly from the majority then fall into minority groups I call “abnormal”) tend to have predictable reactions for happiness regardless of what has made them feel happy. “Normal” people tend to show excitement, happiness, sadness, anger and other emotions in varying degrees, and they do so in proportion to the degree to which they are feeling the emotion. I just can’t seem to emulate this behavior. I can’t even crack a half descent smile for photographs, and my birthdays must be horrifying for potential gift givers because I just can’t seem to get my body and facial elements to work together to send the same message I deliver verbally – “Thank you, I really love your gift.”

I don’t like unanswered questions, unsolved problems or unfinished work; all of which I have an abundance of all of the time. I enjoy too many hobbies for any one of them to be enough. It’s like having a dozen or more favorite, I mean absolutely favorite, foods and trying to decide what to eat for just one absolutely perfect dinner. You couldn’t possibly finish every dish if you decide to include all twelve favorite dishes, but you can’t think of which ones could possibly be omitted from the perfect meal. Such is the nature of my hobbies and interests. There are too many to be satisfying.

There is plenty more I could mention, but you’ve gone far enough with the conclusions you are drawing about me. Yes, my over-active brain has been tracking every possible conclusion a person could draw from every thought, every word, every sentence, every idea I have shared here. While you will not come to every one of those possible conclusions, the numbers are not looking good. You might feel inclined to suggest that I edit some things out then, so as to reduce some of that effect.

Nah, I’ll leave it as it is. If you liked me before I find it unlikely that there is enough reason here to stop liking me now.

On to something more positive to wrap this up… for now. This is something I find very therapeutic so I will probably revisit this topic in the future.

Is there any hope in sight?

My brain is beginning to chatter at me like an uncontrollable, unintelligible man from India. If that little man doesn’t quiet down soon, I may have to discontinue my writing for the evening and leave this question unanswered.

Hope? Yes, I always believe in hope. I believe people can change and people can overcome. If the problems I face are my own creation, then I should be able to undo them. If I was born with these issues as challenges, then I should be able to rise to the occasion and overcome. If I am just messed up for no reason, then I can become stronger and better and make changes in my life to become more comfortable in the world.

No matter what happens, or what turns out to be the answer to any of the questions I have posed tonight, I really do have all of the answers I need… somewhere. It may be a matter of figuring it out, it may be a matter of sorting priorities and evaluating things, or it might just be a matter of time.

Whatever.

The thing is, I’m not really all that unhappy with the way things are, I’m just uncomfortable. That’s a feeling I have grown fairly comfortable with over the years, and even if I see absolutely no change over the course of my remaining years, I shall live, love and be happy.

Overly Ambitious or Genius?

Ever since I was a young child I have had ideas.  Some of my ideas are novel, others impractical, while most of them are hardly noteworthy.  The problem is, not much has ever been produced from my ideas, other than the ideas themselves.  In the end, all I am left with are more ideas.

Take, for instance, an idea I had as a Freshman in High School in 1997, the same year the Nintendo 64 gaming system was released.  The idea began brewing long before then, but I know for sure that I began imagining the particulars during that first year of High School.

My idea really took off that year because we got our first glimpses of what some of our favorite games could be like in a fully three dimensional world.  Playing Mario 64 I was impressed with the level of freedom the extra dimension offered, but I still felt limited.  So I began imagining my own version of the perfect game.

It began with my version of the perfect Mario 64 game.  In stead of levels limited at the edges by invisible walls or impossibly steep hills, why not connect all of the levels?  There could be extra terrain blending the different environments that each level contains, and the whole thing could be one massive world.

On that note, my logic continued, why not make the whole thing into a giant planet?  It could be the Mario 64 world.  A whole planet filled with Mario levels.

Then we got a new game, Mario Kart 64.  This, being another Mario game, instantly began crowding its way into my already busy imaginary Mario world.  In the Mario Kart game, one track takes place in the same setting as the beginning of Super Mario 64 – outside the Princess’s Castle.  I thought it would be cool if you could get out of your race kart and enter the castle.  Of course, in my imaginary 3D Mario world, this would be possible.

The next game I remember getting and loving completely changed my imaginary game forever, and that was Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire.  This game allowed me a visual companion that took my 3D game into new galaxies.  Of course, it didn’t happen so fast.  At first, I saw the opportunity to have other planets and space ships that could fly around in space, allowing you to land on other planets.  Then, another game (this one for the PC) got me thinking even more.

I just spent the last half hour researching and trying to find the name of this game I used to love playing, but found nothing.  I have no idea where I got it, but it was a shareware game where you controlled a small ship and tried to conquer a galaxy.  There were two or three star systems, each with planets in orbit.  It was a simple, 2D game but I loved playing.  You used the up arrow key to fire a single thruster, left and right to rotate and orient the craft (like Asteroids) and the down arrow key to fire your weapon.  The physics reminded you that there is no friction in space, and gravity can pull you off your course.  The planets weren’t all that much bigger than the orbiting landing platform you began on.  You moved out from your planet and found unclaimed planets to make your own.  All of your planets worked on upgrades for your ship such as new weapons, shields, etc.  There was a complicated system for colonizing and developing your planets, but it seemed to take care of itself in the background as long as you kept flying around claiming more planets.

The trouble was with your opponent, who was constantly trying to attack and conquer your planets.  Anyhow, there was a little more to it that that, but I think you get the point.  I decided my game had to have aspects like that.  You could either play around on the surface, or you could go from planet to planet and try to gain control over as many of them as you could.  Then I got to thinking about other jobs, tasks, and so forth that could keep a person busy in a universe like this.  People could play the game to race, to run around on missions like in Golden Eye 007 or Perfect Dark, try to save people like the Star Wars game, fly people from planet to planet, compete for money, use the money to buy ships, cars, and other things…  The list kept growing.

Eventually, I realized this sort of thing would be more fun with other real people if they could be connected over the Internet.  In a recent letter to a loved one, I wrote the following (this person is still using a dial-up connection to the Internet):

Too bad you’re on dial up still.  I was just remembering dial up this week when I was recalling my first experiences with the Internet.  My dad’s place of work had supplied him with a  notebook computer and he had some responsibilities online.  He subscribed to AOL for Internet service at home, and I remember hearing about websites and pages from friends, on television and at school, and wanting to check them out online.  So, I would occasionally ask my dad if we could go on the Internet to look at one thing or another.

Every time we went online it was an adventure.  Not from the discoveries, learning or witnessing of new technology as one would hope.  The experience was an adventure because our connection would get refused a couple of times, then we’d get on with a painfully slow connection speed, and lose the connection five minutes later, only to repeat the whole process again and again.  I remember my “last straw” was when we decided to try filing our taxes online for the first time.  It took many, MANY hours.  Again, not because it was confusing or difficult, but because our connection was unreliable and slow.

A few of these “adventures” and I was convinced that the Internet was a useless, frustrating fad that would pass before I graduated high school.  That was one of my last wrong predictions.  As soon as I heard about “T-One Lines,” “Cable Modems” and “DSL,” I realized that the Internet didn’t have to be a slow, unreliable pain in the rump and a whole flood of possibilities became apparent.

Among that “flood of possibilities” was the idea that the Internet could connect gamers so they could interact in the same virtual world or universe.  Little did I know, but online games were already in existence, and at around the same time as I was developing my ideas for an online multiplayer game, MMOG’s were also developing into the 3D worlds they are today.  Now, games very similar to the final version of my idea exist (and they are making their creators a lot of money), but they lack the personality and flavor of my imaginary universe.

Spore and Second Life are two examples of ideas like mine that were capitalized on rather than sat on.  In Spore you get something more complicated than what I imagined but more centralized and less ambigous.  However you get the same level of scale and interactivity.  In Second Life you get the social networking, interactivity, creativity, ambiguity and freedom, but you still don’t have the video game style play.  I just think the themed worlds would be fun (imagine a Link and Zelda world).  I also think playing as your favorite video game character should be an option, as well as the traditional creation of an avatar.

In the end, though, my idea is still an idea.  I’m writing about this because I am once again faced with an idea that keeps escalating.  If I don’t squelch the proliferation of ideas soon, my idea will once again become too impractical to create.

Once again, my idea is for a game.  It is a simple game this time though, one for children or adults.  At first, while designing the code on paper, I realized that a modular approach would be easier to work with and make the whole project more flexible.  Then I decided I would like the program to help create the code for the game, making the game easier to edit and change.  I thought it would be good to make the game files separate from the code so it wouldn’t be hardwired into the actual program.  Then I decided to integrate the editing function into the final product so users could create their own games like mine, telling their own story.  Then it just got more complicated and more intricate until I realized I was going to have to back some of the features out if I’m ever really going to program this thing.

Only once did this tendency of mine to escalate ever pay off.  I was in High School, designing a program to help decode some encrypted messages for a contest I was working on in the evenings (instead of doing homework at home).  It worked out because I started getting the extra ideas while I was actually executing the project.  I started with a simple program that helped count characters and plot a graph to help me decode substitution ciphers by character analysis.  Then I got involved in a harder, multi-alphabet substitution cipher that required yet another function in the program to facilitate its decryption.  Eventually I got it to work, and it did its job beautifully.  I was very proud of this program, and to this day I regret the harddrive crash that wiped away every last line of its code.

The dilemma I am faced with is one of practicality.  Is it better to cut off an idea before it gets out of control to keep it feasible, or is it better to dream big, aim high and resign myself to a life full of ideas that I will never bring to life?  I like dreaming big, I love my ideas, but they are too big to execute.  This world we live in moves so quick that if I don’t do something about an idea fast enough, someone else will think of it and do it before me.  I have had numerous ideas that became big a few years after I dreamed them up.

Am I an overambitious, lazy and unrealistic dreamer or am I an under-ambitious genius who lacks the necessary gumption to do something about his ideas?  What do you think?

Person Mario 64

Right click for SmartMenu shortcuts

What I’ve Been Called

Of the many things I’ve been called, these are a few of my favorites (perhaps because I feel they are the most accurate).

 

Aloof, absentminded, wise, strange, lost, smart, inventive, anti-social, patient, caring, cold, focused, determined, stubborn, hard-worker, genius, detail-oriented, imaginative, talkative, creative, weird, warm, loving, detached, distracted, lazy, scatterbrained, precise, sociable, quirky, odd, quiet, intuitive, sharp, quick, slow, out-of-the-loop, courageous, obnoxious, thoughtful, and brilliant.

 

Notice the several contradicting pairs of adjectives.

Have I missed any? What would you call me? What do people call you? Please share in the comments.

 

Childhood Dream – Video

I was feeling a bit nostalgic today, remembering such classic cartoons as “Darkwing Duck,” “Talespin,” and others with some of my peers. Perhaps that’s why I was taken back to my catalog junkie days.

That’s right, I was a catalog junkie. I used to regularly receive catalogs from several computer and software companies (junk-mail in my parents’ eyes), in addition to flipping through the big Sears catalog my mother would get. Those technology catalogs were my favorite though, and I learned a lot from them. For example, I knew all the fastest CPU speeds, how much RAM was being put in the high-end machines, and how big one could possibly get a hard drive. I noticed when the first floppy-drive-less computers began shipping, and realized that the minuscule storage on those things would prevent them from being missed.

Perhaps my favorite pastime from the catalog days was clipping or highlighting all of the components of my dream setup. I would find the most powerful graphics computer, clip it out and put it in a box or a folder. Then I would go find software that looked interesting for doing what I wanted to do, or supplemental hardware. I was in love with the 3D animations that had begun to get big and was convinced that I would become a 3D animator for movies and special effects. I found out about programs like Lightwave and 3D Studio Max. I learned that Photoshop was used to create textures and backdrops. I began learning which programs were low-end and which ones were being used to create professional work.

Eventually I had quite a collection. My collection of clippings evolved from technology alone to everything I wanted in life. There was this really cool computer desk that I wanted from the Sears catalog, as well as an entertainment center with doors that hid the TV. I even fell in love for one of the first times going through a catalog.

It was the Sears catalog, and I found her in the teen clothing section. I remember at the time I had a little crush on Anna Chlumsky from the movie My Girl. Her beauty was by far outshone by the mystery girl I found in the catalog. I am embarrassed to add that she was modeling underwear. Honestly, I don’t remember caring about the underwear (it wasn’t lingerie, it was like a sports bra or a trainer bra or something). I stared at her warm face and immaculate hair for hours on end, barely noticing the rest of her. I thought she had the most perfect eyes, the most beautiful smile… I was truly in love. I gazed so deeply into the image that I became irritated with how poorly images were reproduced in print products. I wanted a larger, clearer view of her gorgeous face (the whole clipping was only a few inches across). I often returned to the children’s section of the Sears catalog to see if she would come back, but alas I never saw her again. Several years later, just at the very beginning of my college adventures, I went to the Sears website and the rest of the web doing extensive searches in an attempt to find out who that girl might have been. I had a time frame, I knew the catalog month (but have since forgotten), I searched for several days. My efforts were to no avail. She was lost forever. Even my beloved clipping had disappeared and all I was left with was a memory. Luckily, I met my wife shortly thereafter.

That’s not why I wrote though. I am writing because I have been realizing over the last few months that one of my childhood dreams has remained alive within me (among others – they must have set up some kind of a refugee camp or something though, because the majority of my childhood dreams have long since been CRUSHED). In those catalog days, crouching over several copies of “PC Warehouse” at once, pondering the possibilities, I used to dream that one day I would have a family of my own (check, that one came true) and produce periodic family videos (using the cool stuff in the catalogs) that would have subtle, sporadic special effects sprinkled in (just to make them a little more fun). I had seen many home videos that were boring. If my family was going to make video of itself, it would need a little extra something.

Some of the ideas for CG (computer generated) additions to my home movies were things like a video of the children playing in the front yard, and in the background something crashes down from space into the house, causing an explosion (which the kids would ignore, of course, seeing as how they’re playing) and a giant robot or monster would come out of the rubble and crash around. I even thought it would be fun to have the kids participate, with me telling them to freak out and run at a certain time. Another idea was to have a video of one of the children’s rooms and have a doll or toy of his come to life in the background, dancing around and playing until the kid looks back at it.

At the time such ideas were the stuff Hollywood special effects artists were only beginning to get good at. Now, the tools exist for all of us; and anyone with the money to spare, the time to invest, and the skill to learn can do it. I’ve got the skills, I only lack the time and money (for now). Eventually, if I ever get that time and money, I still want to produce my own video. Home videos, perhaps a podcast/internet show, maybe some short films… I don’t know. The possibilities are endless. I wouldn’t want to make it a career, but as a hobby I could have a lot of fun with it. I even think my wife would love participating both in front of and behind the camera.

So, in advanced preparation for such a day, I am going to assemble and maintain a list of items to buy. I will assemble that list here and when I have a specific product, I will link to it and include it in a special list at metawishlist.com, so if you want to donate thousands of dollars to my cause, feel free.  The metawishlist keeps a running total of how much everything in the list would cost together (as of right now, over $12,000 not including the computer).

• High-end Computer for Video Editing (Multiple Monitors)*
• Hardware for Importing from External Sources (Audio & Video) and Exporting (built in to computer)
• High-end Professional-grade Consumer Digital Video Camera (Cannon or Red)
• Professional Lighting, Microphones, Green/Blue Screen Setup, and Sound Booth
• Teleprompting Equipment and Software
• 3D Studio Max
• 2D Animation Software (Toon Boom? Animation-ish for fun)
• Adobe Photoshop (2D Image Editing)**
• Adobe Premiere Pro (Complete Video Editing)**
• Adobe After Effects Pro (Compositing and Special Effects)**
• Adobe Ultra (Chorma Key – Blue/Green Screen Software)**

* I probably won’t link to one specific system because the “best” system specifications change almost daily.  If we ever really do this, I would simply look for the most powerful computer system available in the $2,000 – $6,000 range from a hardware manufacturer I trust.

** Adobe has ONE package called Creative Suite 3 Production Premium which contains all of the (starred**) items plus a few extras for a really great price.

That just about does it for now. If you have any suggestions for items on the list that are missing, better products than the ones I link to, or product suggestions for items I don’t have product for, feel free to leave a comment. Thanks!

The Pursuit of Something

Driving home I make all the same movements, every time, every day. The car bumps here, there’s a turn there. Take the long curvy turn on the inside, near the lines. I miss the bumps that way. That house has three motorcycles in front, this one has a DeLorean. Golf course greens on the right, more houses on the left. Watch out here for cars that slow to a near stop before turning. Almost there…

Sometimes, though, my mind is doing something else. It’s searching. Reaching for something that rests just out of reach. Barely beyond grasp, something is waiting for me. I just can’t get my mind around it.

Today, rounding a familiar bend, looking out my side window at some familiar houses, I spotted something unfamiliar. No, not with my eyes, but in my mind. It was there for a moment, then gone.

Gone? What was it? Will it ever be back?

Gone. Where did it go? I had it. Now I don’t.

Did I need it?

Sure feels like it. Then again, I have been known to pursue even that which I don’t need from time to time. Knowledge, though, is power. These elusive thoughts, these evasive ideas could help me form new connections and relations in my logic, opening my brain up to new, radical and exciting abilities. Every new connection I form in my mind equates to hundreds of new answers to the thousands of questions that came following my last discovery.

Imagine, I almost had it.

I’ve always been looking for it though, so I doubt it’s simply going to fall into my lap on the way home from errands.

It would provide a key to unlock some of the darkest secrets the world of logic has been able to keep from me. Secrets so profound and tightly sealed that they are indescribable, their keystrokes are missing from the keyboard.

If I could only have grabbed it while it was there, on the way home.

It’s not the only one though, the one that I saw today. I have seen many of them, and while I cannot describe any of them, I know that there are many. Not too many though. There are enough.

Enough for what?

It’s almost there… I can almost make it out.

Sitting in bed, another day, staring at the wall. What am I thinking about? How did I get here, to these thoughts? There’s one! There’s one of those mysterious ideas, the ones I never get enough time with to comprehend them. I can see it. I begin to understand, then it vanishes. Did it dissipate or instantaneously vaporize? I’m not sure. It’s gone.

Again.

What will it lead to? What would it mean to fully understand just one? Would it be enough? Would I be able to follow the logic into new, exciting areas of thought I have never explored?

How do I make it click? How can I make one of these slippery ideas stick around long enough to understand it and learn from it?

Where do they come from?

Why can’t I get one? Just one…

Someday, perhaps.

I hope.

Favorite Superheroes

In an effort to distract myself from all things stressful and real, I decided to dedicate my writing hour to honoring the greatest men in faux-history, as far as I see it. What follows is an exploration of a few of my most favorite superheroes. Among them there are three that got their start in the comic books, and one that didn’t (as far as I know).

First up is the man who has always been at the top of my list. I think the greatest appeal any of these heroes has with me is that they are ordinary guys. None of them has a super power that separates them from me by a super-margin like the one between me and Superman. The only thing that keeps me from actually being any of these heroes is money, and in some cases technology that hasn’t yet been developed.

Again, first up is one I have had at the top of the list since as long as I can remember. Batman. Rich, secretive, loves technology and gadgets, and is a smart crime-solving detective. That’s me in a nutshell… Well, if I had it my way, that is. Sure, a lot of the toys and gadgets he uses are a little out of reach (for now), but it’s nice to dream.

I’m especially in love with the Tumbler, his Batmobile in Batman Begins and The Dark Night. Sometimes, when I’m driving around in my car, I imagine that I’m in the Tumbler.

Even better than having to drive in the first place would be flying, and my next two super heroes can do just that (without mystical powers).

Next, then, is Iron Man. Batman’s resourcefulness comes from his gadgetry first, then from his costume. Iron Man is the costume. No gadgets here (which does make me a little sad, since I love gadgets), just pure awesomeness in the form of an exoskeleton suit and some pretty impressive computer programming, both of which I love.

I’ve always been into robotics, and exoskeleton research is a big spin off/byproduct/sister project of robotics. With the recent release of the Iron Man movie, many people have been talking about the technology behind such a suit.

Oh, if you haven’t seen the movies I’m talking about, you really should. They’re all excellent films.

Since I saw the Iron Man movie, I’ve been wondering what it would be like if you combined the two heroes, Batman and Iron Man, into one really cool hero. I’ve decided that, while it might be overkill, it would be pretty cool.

For the final of my comic-book-based heroes, I give you an older one: The Rocketeer. This one goes way back to my childhood. In fact, I’d venture to say that I wanted to be the Rocketeer before I wanted to be Batman (but I’m not sure because it’s a close call).

Though not as technologically advanced, the Rocketeer does have something we’re still working on – a jet pack. Even without an exoskeleton or a bunch of gadgets, having a jet pack would be awesome.

I think the Rocketeer must have made a great comic too, because he really is just an ordinary guy with one thing that sets him apart from the rest of us, that cool rocket pack. Other than that, he’s not a super genius, he’s doesn’t have a ton of money to buy whatever technology or gadgets he wants, and more of us can identify with him for it.

The movie is still one of my favorites, and it never gets old (right up there with Short Circuit , but we’ll talk about robots another time).

As you may have noticed, we’re working our way down from most gadgets to the least, but we’ve covered varied amounts of technological integration. My final hero is just a man with a bunch of gadgets, but he’s got so many other qualities I love that I had to add him to my list.

I suppose he’s really not considered a “superhero” by most, but James Bond has always been a favorite of mine. I especially loved the portrayal of him in the recent film Casino Royale.

Though I wouldn’t ever want to be the womanizer that he is, I admire just about everything else in the character. I especially love his resourcefulness, intelligence and wit. Plus, he always dresses pretty sharp, which is great.

You know what’s funny? As I’ve written this, my list of heroes has been growing. So far, I’ve realized that a list of my favorite heroes in fiction would never be complete without Sherlock Holmes. It was his work (well, the writings of Sir Aurthur Conan Doyle) that helped me realize how much I love using my mind to solve problems and analyze the people and world around me. When it comes to awesomeness, you would be pressed to find a better man than Jason Bourne from the Bourne series of books and movies. Though I don’t actually know much about him, there is one more comic book character that I was a big fan of when I was young. Dick Tracy. I think the main reason I loved him was for his video phone watch. Anyhow, that just illustrates my deep love for gadgets.

No matter how many fictional heroes I may want to be like, there is one real guy (well, two) who I’ve actually met and I model my life after him (them) every day. I say two because the first, obviously, is my father. I don’t just say that because it’s what everyone says. My dad is a true hero and someone that more than just his children can look up to for a great example of how to live. The second is someone I served with for just over a year and a half, but in that short time he helped me more than any one person aside from my parents. He was my mission president in Mexico, President Alonso.

I love and look up to both of them, but I really want to be like the fictional characters here because it would be fun.

Getting Up

I know they say it’s better for the body to get up at the same time very morning and go the sleep at the same time every night, but my body is not yet thanking me for getting up consistently at five forty-five every morning. Perhaps this is because we have a three-month-old daughter who prevents us from getting to sleep at the same time every night and who prevents us from getting very good sleep at night.

In the end, today is Saturday and I am up but my body has not decided that this is acceptable. In fact, my customized iGoogle homepage has a dynamic header consisting of a cityscape scene which is home to a monster who does various activities throughout the day and night. I log in at midday and he’s sweeping the city, I log in in the morning and he is taking a bath in the bay (I think the city is San Fransisco, but there is no Golden Gate bridge), late at night he battles a robot monster that looks like him. My point being that I just pulled it up to get to Google Docs and he was still fast asleep. Oh, how I envy him.

I may envy the little red monster, but I’m not really complaining – I’ve actually really enjoyed and benefited a lot from getting up and writing every morning. I’m currently contemplating slowly getting up even earlier to add another hour or half an hour to my morning writing time.

Just so you all know, I write and post short stories up here to get feedback and comments. If you happen to take the time to read one of my stories, I would be grateful to have even a brief bit of feedback from you in the form of a comment (most appropriately commented on the actual story, not on this post, for example).

I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Anyone who undertakes any creative effort wants to know what other people think of their work. Even if the creative endeavor is something domestic like parenting or cooking, it feels good to know that someone else things you did a good job and it can be helpful if someone shares some constructive criticism to help you do better next time. The idea is not to learn and bow to the popular ideas, but to look for good advice and tips then decide which ones you’ll follow.

Of course, even if everyone reading my stuff is a deadbeat, at least I’m getting writing practice in. I think want I need is a dedicated writing partner, or at least one or two good friends who consistently read my work and provide feedback. I should place a wanted ad. Here’s how it could read:

WANTED: Writer seeking Reader

I am an aspiring writer seeking an avid reader to consistently and tirelessly read my ramblings and provide constructive criticism and feedback.

The applicant must be interested in a wide variety of subjects and be willing to tell the truth nicely. Even when the reading material is uninteresting, skimming will not be appreciated or helpful, and an objective view must be taken remembering that if the writer is interested there must be a reader somewhere who is interested too.

Any interested in the job must be willing to work for free and commit to a longterm relationship that is only as deep as the words on the page. Of course, if the applicant already enjoys another relationship with the writer this job would only add another dimension to our interactions.

If you are interested respond via any means possible to discuss the terms of your surrender, er, um, terms of your voluntary service.

Of course, even personals need to be shorter than that, I think. If I were to really post such an ad, I can think of at least three or four really great friends of mine who I would hope to have respond and commit.

While I suppose the above ad is hypothetical and, to a certain extent, in jest, it would be nice to know that someone is always going to provide me with thoughtful responses to my ideas. I usually feel like I’m in the dark about what people think of me as a person, at the very least I would like to know what they think of my writing.

Wow, last of all, I’d just like to add that I’m not as desperate, depressed or negative as it may seem. I’m going through a transitional stage right now where my body is mad and grumpy about getting up in the morning and my heart is asking if it’s even worth it to write. Deep down, I know I have to write. When I’m not writing enough, it shows in my daily life. So regardless of what you or anyone else thinks, I’m going to write. It’s not about getting feedback or being happy about waking up early, it’s about fulfilling my need to express myself and get words together to tell stories and share ideas.

Right. Now I’m going to work on some fiction or something.

My Big Breakup

“Please briefly explain in the form below why you’re cancelling.” Which is another way of saying, “Well, can you at least tell me why we’re breaking up?” in website speak.

The whole thing started several weeks ago, though it was seeded from the very beginning of my life. I provided the fertile soil, and life rained down on it, so it grew.

The fertile soil is my social awkwardness. If you read my about page, I mention that I am aware of a possible diagnosis I could one day claim (were it necessary) through proper examination by a psychiatric professional. One symptom of the “syndrome” I possibly live with is an acutely awkward social life (which is caused by a variety of factors). Through observation, logical analysis and years of practice, I feel that my social life no longer exhibits all of the symptoms I once struggled with as a child and teenager, though I maintain certain traits that speak out against me, even if only in private.

One such trait is my aversion to social encounters. That’s right, I’m not comfortable around people. If you hadn’t noticed it’s because I’m that good at hiding it, but the truth is I get unusually uncomfortable in the presence of people, especially in face-to-face interactions.

Many of those who share my symptoms and have been labeled with the diagnosis take refuge from the real, face-to-face world by spending more time on the Internet. They are especially susceptible to becoming addicted to online multi-player games and social networking activities because such things appear to offer the same benefits of a real social encounter without the “hassles” of having to be there. I’m sure you can see where this is headed, so I’ll break for a moment to tell a short story.

Today, on the way home from work, our little three-month-old daughter screamed and cried most of the way. We’ve been working on our five-year-old son’s behavior a lot lately, and he finally seemed to be getting it, though the frustration I was experiencing from the persistent crying seemed to drown out my attempts at praising my son. We walked into the house through our kitchen door (the one closest to the car port) and I found brown paper bags, some still full of groceries, scattered all over the place. The counters were stacked with rinsed dishes, food items and trash that hadn’t been taken care of (some of it for over a week). My job keeps me away from home during the day, and I understand that staying home all day with the two children has my wife pretty well busy all day just trying to keep up with things. I don’t expect, and have never demanded her to create order or even maintain perfect cleanliness in the home. As the children age this job will get easier, and I try to help her as much as I can.

I must say though, that today it seemed especially discouraging. I was already frustrated in my mind from the constant screaming, then I walked into chaos. Never fear, I do this often and handle things fairly well most of the time. Some of the time, however, I go through emotional peaks and valleys that have an effect on my ability to handle things. I try to muscle my way through the troughs and ride the waves when things are up, but in the end those little chemical imbalances can get the best of me from time to time. I resolved right there, in the kitchen, that as soon as our daughter was safely suckling away on her mother, I would attack the kitchen and restore order.

I rushed through the chaos in the kitchen, through the hall toward the bedrooms and finally into our bedroom at the end of the hall. There, I was greeted with the usual mess. I wholeheartedly admit that somewhere around half of that mess is mine, and I am guilty of doing little or nothing to fix it in the last several months. I had already resolved to fix one mess, and there was no room inside me to fix another the same evening. Mother came and rescued the baby and I began my mission.

I attacked the kitchen. Trash, recycling, dishes, counter tops, floor (my wife had to hand the baby off to me, but I made sure she helped finish the job) and soon everything was nearly sparkling, in that one room, of course. Then, I sent my wife out on some errands, dutifully taking the little princess (who was tired and hungry, but would have to deal with her mom being gone for twenty minutes nonetheless). We had a good time (kind of) until she fell asleep (always makes for a lame date).

Then, dinner time hit. Sometimes dinner goes pretty well. Tonight, it was already an hour past our son’s bedtime, and he wanted to take seven bites out of every French fry, and watch his chicken nuggets to see if they would grow mold. I usually have to tell him to slow down, but tonight I wanted to get on with the bedtime routine, and he was waiting for Christmas. My wife didn’t share my sense of urgency (I don’t expect her to think the same way I do, I think very differently from just about everyone else, but I’m still fairly reasonable) and was disagreeing with me, which made me look frustrated and stubborn (which I was slowly becoming). Finally, I got up from the table, leaving them to work things out, and figured I could whisk myself away to a magical place called the Internet to escape from my real-world woes.

I began loading the pages, one by one, like I usually do from my bookmarks tool bar in Firefox. My homepage (iGoogle, of course!), Gmail, Mail.com, some work related sites, WordPress.com, Shelfari.com, Facebook, MySpace, VIRB, deviantART, and Google Reader. While they were loading I looked at all of the tabs. I check all of these every day? I thought. I began to assess, in my mind, approximations of how much time I spent doing each one. I looked back and recalled many a late night spent on my beloved Facebook site, with all 100+ friends, the fun games and applications, the many social exchanges every day…

Then I thought, Do I need all of that? I thought of my many real social exchanges at work, at home, at church, etc. Then I remembered that sometimes I get overwhelmed in real life with social activity. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that I end up having to say no to something (or several things). Sometimes, when you have too much on your plate and you can’t handle it all, you have to say no to something(s) and stick with what you love the most.

Obviously, my family will always come first for me. That goes without saying. Beyond that, in the social realm, things get a little fuzzy for me. Tonight, with all of the frustrations around me, I realized that my real-world plate was getting full and messy, and part of that was because my virtual plate was overflowing.

I don’t need that much social interaction to be healthy. I have my best friend, my wife, by my side all the time, except when I’m at work (which I wish I didn’t have to do because then I could be with her all of the time, and that would make me happy). Then I have two of the best parents who ever lived to support and love me, I have some great brothers and a top-notch sister who e-mail, text message and call me from time to time. I have many other friends who are available for the occasional chat, phone call or visit when I am in need as well. If that’s not enough social interaction to keep me healthy, I always have my creative outlets.

I love to write. I always have, but I haven’t always given it the priority I would have liked to have. Now, in recent times I have decided to write more and practice to get better. Since I resolved to do this, I have accomplished much less than what I know I am capable of. Why? Because most of my time on the computer has been lost reading updates, news, Facebook profiles, etc.

So, with the tension building between me and my wife because my virtual plate was starting to fill my real-world plate, I deleted my Facebook account.

That’s right. It’s gone. They mention that if I ever want to come back all I have to do is use my old log in information, but I don’t currently foresee myself doing that in the near future. Perhaps some day, but not now. Then, I remembered how much cooler Facebook is than MySpace (sorry MySpace lovers, I just never really liked it that much), so I though, hey, if I’m deleting my Facebook account, I can’t leave the MySpace one up, even if I never use it. So, I went and deleted that one too (though they want 48 hours to actually remove my account).

This might seem rash to many of you, but if you consider me and who I am, you should realize that it was a necessary step to ensure that I don’t get sucked in to something less important than the people I love. Plus, now I hope that finding time to write might become slightly easier. Any time I was previously putting into Facebook can now be invested in writing.

So, that brings me back to the beginning. It was actually MySpace that was asking why I was leaving them (Facebook wanted a reason too, but it was just a radio-button selection – “I’m spending too much time on Facebook” or something like that). Now you know the whole story, but do you want to know what I told them? “Downsizing Internet activities.” Pretty cold, huh?

So here’s the plan. I’ve officially committed Facebook “hari-kiri” and there’s no going back (not for the next year or so, at least). I’m going to use my Gmail address to send out a request for all of my friends and family to read this (that’s where I have the most addresses). If you know me, please follow the instructions below:

1. Please “check in” and leave a comment on this posting for me. I want to know who came and read this. When you enter your e-mail address to comment, make sure it is the e-mail address you actually check!

2. If I was listed as your friend on MySpace or Facebook, please write a bulletin, note or anything else asking all of my other friends whose e-mail addresses I didn’t have to visit this same posting (send them the same link I sent you). Post it as something interesting like, “Why Brian disappeared.”

3. Do something out of the ordinary to ensure we can stay in touch! Facebook and MySpace are both fabulous tools for keeping in touch with old, current and new friends, and I am a little worried that I may lose touch with some friends I love who prefer to use these sites as their sole point of contact for friendships. Below you will find a list of options I am retaining so we can keep in touch. Pick one, and keep in touch with me that way!

Here are some ways to keep in touch with me.

• There’s always the obvious – email. If you need my Gmail address, just ask for it in your comment below.
• If you don’t have my phone number, but are good at keeping in touch that way, ask for my cell phone number. The same goes for a physical address if you like stamps and mail.
• I am keeping accounts at a few smaller social networking sites. If you already have an account at any of them, find me there (if you need help with this, just ask!). If you don’t have an account there, look at each of them and set up an account at the one you like best.
  • www.virb.com – Kind of like MySpace, but not. You don’t need an account to check out my profile. Click the link!
  • www.orkut.com – This is the one I check the least often, but if you sign up there I’ll know about it and I will definitely keep up with you that way.
  • www.deviantart.com – This one is not as much for social networking as it is for artwork. If you’re an artist and you’re my friend, add me on here and I’ll add you too.
  • www.shelfari.com – This is for book lovers. You can add all the books you own, you’ve read and you want, and it shares your virtual “shelf” with your friends.
• Since I’ll be writing a lot (hopefully), perhaps the best way to keep in touch with me (and keep up to date) is through this… *gulp* blog. (I really don’t like calling it a blog.) You can subscribe to my RSS feed through any feed reader (I use Google Reader and love it).
• Finally, I have a Google page (website) that is currently under construction. Right now, it just links back to my WordPress stuff. Oh, and you can play PacMan there too.

If you can’t use any of the options above to keep in touch with me for long term, I’ll be sad. Despite not really enjoying social encounters, I really do love all of my friends and family. I cannot stress to you enough how much I will miss hearing from you (especially the former Facebook and MySpace friends who are reading this). I just spent too much time doing worthless things on Facebook, and not enough time paying attention to the real world. In fact, if you want to get together sometime, let’s try to make it happen. It might take time (especially if you’re far away), but I would love to spend some real-world time with all of you.

So, I leave you all with my love.

Brian

P.S. On a quick, lighter note, I found this really funny little gem of a video about Facebook thanks to Digg. If you know anything at all about Facebook, you must watch this video!